Sunday, February 1, 2009

Hiding

As I said in my last post, I was officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia about three weeks ago. I also said that I was trying to look on the bright side and find the silver lining in this situation. Well, it's becoming harder and harder. I understand how people can allow this or any disease to overtake them. Even my studies don't seem to hold much interest for me, which is a completely new twist. My school work has always been the one thing that's kept me going during difficult times. Classes start next week and for the first time ever, I'm really not looking forward to it.

I'm scheduled to see a rheumatologist in early March which should bring some relief to my worried psyche. However, all the research I've done tells me I'm in for a long and unpleasant struggle. I think that fact is beginning to wear on me.

There are a few fears I have. One is that I'll become a different person. I've never been one to say "I can't." I've always tried, and I'm afraid that'll change. I don't want to develop a fear of trying something new.

I can also feel myself withdrawing from people. A lot of the time, I just want to be alone, and I don't know why. Is it pride? Not wanting people to see me in a weakened state of being? Not wanting to admit my new physical limitations? I do know that it has always angered me when people feel sorry for me, pity me. Perhaps by being alone I'm trying to avoid that.

The pain wears on you. I saw that in my Dad for years. He had a horrific accident when he was in his teens (during the 1940's) that left him with completely crushed knees. Medicine being what it was at the time, they used steel pins to basically hold his knees together. By the time he was in his 40's, he was in constant pain from arthritis. Virtually all of the cartilage had worn away in both knees. I asked him once when I was little, "Daddy, do your knees hurt today?" He replied, "Baby, they hurt everyday. It's just a matter of how much." I remember feeling sad about that.

So, I guess this will pass. Worrisome thoughts and feelings of depression usually do. In the meantime ... I don't know. I guess I'll just take it day by day.

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